Woman killed by her own gun, two-year old pulls the trigger

Remind me.  Why is the world safer if we all carry concealed weapons everywhere, all the time?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-30636326

Sage

"Worst Charities?"

Interesting.

http://www.oregonlive.com/politics/index.ssf/2014/12/do_you_give_to_these_worst_cha.html#incart_river

I wonder what percent of income PETA, Greenpeace, and others spend on overhead.

Also, it seems like if you really cared about the cause, you could get involved with non-profit governance, to steer the charity in the right direction.

What do we want . . . ?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-30464083

It's actually good to see people energized about these events in Ferguson and elsewhere.  But, what tangible deliverables are they seeking?  Are they asking for people to not be racist!  Get real.

There will always be some racism.   Of course, we should teach ourselves and our children to be less racist.

But, avoiding this kind of conflict with police is going to take something more tangible.  How about reform of police rules of engagement?

What about asking for more diversity in recruiting police?  We used to correct mono-color schools with busing.  Maybe we should bus cops to make precincts more diverse.

In any case, people, ask for something tangible.

Men seeking self-esteem

This is an opinion piece. The views expressed are my own views and not necessarily those of the U.S. State Department or the U.S. Government. 

Almost any news day we are inundated by stories about men abusing others or even abusing themselves.  A young man stabs his two roommates to death and then drives through Berkeley using guns and his car to murder several random people before he is killed by police.  A high-profile politician or actor is dogged by dozens of allegations of adultery and abusing his fame to lure women to bed.  A critically-acclaimed actor dies of a heroin overdose.  A promising graduate student from a middle-class suburban family joins ISIS and participates in the execution of hundreds of men, women, and children.  These acts, so different and committed by such different men, have something in common.

These acts are all facets of the same struggle. They are all examples of men seeking self-validation, either because they lack the necessary roles, proxies, and traits for self-worth, or -- more often -- because they minimize their own roles, proxies, and traits or succumb to threats to their self-worth.

Here we focus on the individual and gender aspects of self-worth and validation-seeking that lead to destructive behavior.  In a later piece, we will talk about how ethnic, religious, or other group identities can complicate this dynamic, particularly for people who perceive themselves as outsiders.

Self-worth is the healthy level of self-esteem that gives us contentment, confidence, and purpose.  Self-validation, on the other hand, is a pathological attempt to comfort oneself in the absence of self-worth.  Our roles, proxies for those roles, and traits are the ingredients of our self-worth.  Regardless of our gender, we are all capable, to a greater or lesser extent, of fulfilling one, some, or all of the following roles:  creating, nurturing, protecting, providing, and teaching.  These roles are so important to perpetuating our gene pool and to the success of our societies that they have inherent and nearly universally-recognized value.

Creating may simply mean procreating.  But, it can also mean inventing, designing, building, imagining, and many more creative acts necessary for art, science, engineering, and even commerce and governance.  Nurturing can mean nurturing a child.  It can also mean nurturing a group, firm, polity, field of artistic or scientific endeavor, or other construct.  The same is true of protecting, providing, and teaching.  In our infancy as a species these meant protecting the family or clan from wild beasts, Mother Nature, or human competitors; providing food and shelter; and teaching children to fulfill each of these roles.  In our more developed state of civilization it can mean many things, including earning a wage, navigating complex systems, or coaching and counseling.

We value ourselves and others for our ability to fulfill these roles.  There are also several indicators of a person's ability to fulfill some or all of these roles that are so identified with success that they can serve as proxies for the aforementioned roles.  Most of us don't ask ourselves whether we, a potential mate or collaborator, a potential leader or hero, or an opponent are, for example, good creators or good nurturers.  Instead, we look at more concrete markers:  accomplishment or achievement; belonging to a certain group; education; health, fitness, or athleticism; income; position, rank, or status; or even spirituality or perceived spirituality.  These markers are proxies for the roles we described above, and we can draw on them for our self-worth, just as we look to our roles for self-worth.

Finally, there are a few specific traits so appealing, comforting, or identified with success that they too can contribute to self-worth, among these are physical beauty, pursuing and enjoying innate talents, humor, and intelligence.

Threats and minimization

Men and women can look to their roles, proxies, and traits (RPTs) and find self-worth.  But, there are threats to self-esteem that can haunt a person even if they have plenty of the foregoing RPTs.  First, obsession with inadequate RPTs in the past can prevent a person from seeing their current state.  A person might become so traumatized by a lag in one or more RPTs that they are unable or unwilling to recognize new circumstances when the lag is corrected.  They become stuck in the past. 

Similarly, a person who is angry at a real or perceived injustice in their life can be unable or unwilling to evaluate his or her own RPTs in a way that provides self-worth.  Saying that anger is the path to the dark side is not just a fantastical line from the story of Anakin Skywalker, who ultimately resorted to genocide, including slaughtering children with his own hand.  It is the story of Elliot Rodgers, Timothy McVeigh, Adolph Hitler, and many others who obsessed on perceived injustices that they blamed on others.

People with plenty of the positive RPTs needed for self-esteem may become vulnerable to validation-seeking if they succumb to threats or if they minimize their own RPTs.  Why would they minimize their own RPTs?  Habit, self-doubt, listening to negative talk or negative self-talk, and the seductive allure of self-pity are common reasons.  Self-pity is attractive because it blames others and rejects responsibility.  Rather than taking on the challenge of valuing yourself for your RPTs and developing them through patience and hard work, self-pity dwells on the threats and seeks an easier strategy.  Why do too many opt for suicide, drugs, sexual misconduct, or illegal behavior?  Because, it is easier than methodically and patiently developing and appreciating the ingredients of self-worth. 

These healthy ingredients of self-worth and the unhealthy pursuit of self-validation are equally applicable to both genders.  But, for many men, societal or group traditions or other learned stereotypes add an extra element to their view of self-worth.  In these circumstances men may inaccurately assess their self-worth by emphasizing certain RPTs perceived to be traditionally masculine at the expense of other RPTs that also comprise their identities.  For example, in television, literature, and history, we have often treated the provider role as a male role.  But, providing for one's family is no longer a male-specific role.  In some way or another, each gender must strive to do it well and to take pride in it.

Physical prowess and athleticism are no longer male-specific proxies.  Aside from professional athletes, the benefits of physical prowess -- health, mental well-being, recreation, and self-esteem -- are no longer gender-specific and are not top-tier concerns for survival of our families or our species. 

There are lots of good reasons to take pride in providing for our families and for athleticism.  But, if a man focuses on these roles and proxies at the expense of others, his view of himself will become distorted, especially if he views these things as gender-specific in a world where they are often not.  So, what's left that is male-specific and of objective value to our families or our societies?  All of the RPTs we seek are gender-neutral in modern society.  So, what makes a man a man?  What makes a man value himself? 

The only difference in the most progressive parts of society is that a man's body is different, as are, therefore, his approach to his own physical appearance, health, sexuality, and athleticism. Once we accept that and develop a healthy strategy for it, the quest for self-worth is gender-neutral. 

So, what's the solution to seeking validation?  The solution is recognizing the benefits of developing self-worth and the probability that validation seeking will ultimately hurt yourself and innocent people, including those you hold most dear.  It is recognizing that in a society, family, or nation, no individual has the right to seek validation and everyone has the responsibility to develop self-worth.

The self-validation myth

There are several ways people, usually men, pursue self-validation when they minimize their self-worth or succumb to threats to their self-worth.

Some seek validation through violence.  For example, community college student Elliot Rogers went on a killing spree in 2014, immediately after releasing a lengthy manifesto displaying his anger at women, who he blamed for his low sense of self-worth.  Rogers revealed his desire for sexual conquest as a means of self-validation.  Frustrated and impatient at his failure, he turned to violence as his alternative means of self-validation.  The power to control others by inflicting pain, suffering, or death on them is a simple and accessible antidote to the powerlessness one feels in the absence of self-worth. 

Elliot Rogers was doing fine in relation to Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs; his physical needs were easily met by his affluent parents.  And, his parents appeared to have loved him.  Yet, Rogers found too little self-worth from his RPTs.  He also succumbed to threats to self-worth, namely obsession with his perceived injustice.  For reasons largely of his own making, he dwelled on what he viewed as his general failure in relations with the opposite sex.

Others seek self-validation through drugs, hoping the drug will make them feel better about life and about not having a strong enough sense of self-worth to resist its allure.  And, yes, alcohol and tobacco are drugs, just as much as cocaine and marijuana are.  The validation seeker may not only want the physiological effects of a potent drug.  He or she may also be seeking validation through an image associated with a particular manner of using drugs.  For example, this is one reason some men chew tobacco.  It's not for the taste or even its physiological effect for some.  Rather, it is because of its association with masculinity, prowess at sports, cowboy culture, or the like.  Similar associations can be drawn by validation seekers in relation to cigarettes, booze, or other drugs.

Award-winning actor Phillip Seymour Hoffman, who died of a heroin overdose this year, is an example of seeking validation through drugs.  He seems a much less likely candidate for seeking self-validation.  He clearly excelled in roles we have discussed such as creating and providing.  He did well in terms of proxies, including accomplishment and wealth.  And, he seemed to be doing something -- acting -- that he enjoyed, a trait that could add self-worth.  But, he struggled with depression, often the result of minimizing one's own roles, proxies, and traits.  In short, he dwelled on the negative.  He saw his beautiful glass as half full.  Perhaps he originally tried heroin to exercise control in a life where his felt little control and little self-worth.  It then, of course, ultimately overcame him with its physiological effects.

Examples of men who seek self-validation through sex are abundant.  Bill Cosby, Bill Clinton, and Tiger Woods are just a few who leap to mind.  Yes, this can affect women too.  But, for whatever reason, we more often encounter cases of men who continue this self-destructive behavior even into marriage.  Like violence or drug use, this form of self-validation seeking is found among both rich and poor, including among people with apparently abundant positive RPTs.  It most often results from a low sense of self-worth stemming from anger, dwelling in the past, or minimizing one's positive RPTs.  And, it may show up in men who appear to otherwise have plenty of confidence or objective reason for self-worth.

Why do people, most often men, join gangs?  Many of these men are coerced to do so or do so seeking basic elements of Maslow's hierarchy such as safety or money.  Others do not see positive RPTs when they look at themselves.  Belonging to a gang is an accessible means of validation-seeking in many fragile parts of society.

Men somewhat further along on the hierarchy of needs may join other groups instead.  Examples include fraternities or sports teams.  These can be very positive influences on a young man if they are led and supervised adequately.  Some are not led and supervised adequately.  Results can include rape, abuse, hazing, and harassment.  Men seeking validation can hide in these environments -- hide from accountability and hide from healthier, alternative means of developing self-worth.

Violent extremist groups such as ISIS, the KKK, neo-nazis, and others do more than just hide their members from accountability and from healthy self-worth.  Like gangs and dysfunctional clubs or teams, they prey on validation-seeking individuals for their recruiting.  Look at the social media campaigns ISIS uses to lure new fighters.  They appeal directly to a man's limited sense of self-worth, promising him a feeling of pride and potency to replace his sense of shame and impotence. 

A young Muslim-American may feel socially isolated, even when surrounded by friends, colleagues, and acquaintances.  He may feel ashamed of being different from his majority neighbors.  He may feel helpless in the face of insults, curious looks or questions, or even kindness or indifference that he perceives as fake or condescending.  This contributes to anger.  ISIS offers these men an outlet for their anger, an explanation for their feelings, and a promise of validation.  With this message, ISIS and similar groups successfully recruit among both rich and poor, educated and ignorant, loved and alone.

The constant theme in each of these examples is that the quest for self-validation harms people:  family, mates, groups, strangers, and even the individual himself. The other common thread is that seeking self-validation is futile, like trying to quench your thirst with seawater.  It not only fails to meet your demands, it increases the need.  It is chasing a rainbow or hunting a unicorn. It is a highly addictive narcotic, much like gambling addiction.  The subject often even consciously recognizes the futility of his behavior, but continues to compulsively pursue it.

The solution?  Know the risks.  Every one of us should honestly evaluate our own roles, proxies, and traits.  We should avoid threats to self-worth:  minimizing the positive, dwelling on past failings, and harboring anger about real or perceived injustices.  We must remember we have no right to anger and living in the past and that we have a responsibility to view ourselves and the world with objectivity and optimism. 

Men, in particular, should remember that roles, proxies, and traits traditionally viewed as masculine are often gender-neutral and that they should value themselves for gender neutral reasons.  In the bedroom or the gym, they should enjoy their uniquely male approaches.  But, they should not fail to value the uniquely feminine approaches of their mates, sisters, and friends. 

As a society we may need to recognize that the development of self-esteem is just as critical to our individual and societal health as our struggles against obesity, cancer, and poverty.  Much of the violence and abuse in our society, including self-inflicted violence and abuse, comes from men seeking self-esteem.  Let's spend at least a little effort seeking ways to help them learn how to build their self-worth and learn the dangers of using validation-seeking behaviors to build a false sense of self.