This is an opinion piece. The views expressed are my own views and not necessarily those of the U.S. State Department or the U.S. Government.
Almost any news day we are
inundated by stories about men abusing others or even abusing themselves. A young man stabs his two roommates to death
and then drives through Berkeley using guns and his car to murder several
random people before he is killed by police.
A high-profile politician or actor is dogged by dozens of allegations of
adultery and abusing his fame to lure women to bed. A critically-acclaimed actor dies of a heroin
overdose. A promising graduate student from
a middle-class suburban family joins ISIS and participates in the execution of
hundreds of men, women, and children.
These acts, so different and committed by such different men, have
something in common.
These acts are all facets of the
same struggle. They are all examples of men seeking self-validation, either
because they lack the necessary roles, proxies, and traits for self-worth, or
-- more often -- because they minimize their own roles, proxies, and traits or
succumb to threats to their self-worth.
Here we focus on the individual
and gender aspects of self-worth and validation-seeking that lead to
destructive behavior. In a later piece,
we will talk about how ethnic, religious, or other group identities can
complicate this dynamic, particularly for people who perceive themselves as
outsiders.
Self-worth is the healthy level of
self-esteem that gives us contentment, confidence, and purpose. Self-validation, on the other hand, is a
pathological attempt to comfort oneself in the absence of self-worth. Our roles, proxies for those roles, and
traits are the ingredients of our self-worth.
Regardless of our gender, we are all capable, to a greater or lesser
extent, of fulfilling one, some, or all of the following roles: creating, nurturing, protecting, providing,
and teaching. These roles are so
important to perpetuating our gene pool and to the success of our societies
that they have inherent and nearly universally-recognized value.
Creating may simply mean
procreating. But, it can also mean
inventing, designing, building, imagining, and many more creative acts
necessary for art, science, engineering, and even commerce and governance. Nurturing can mean nurturing a child. It can also mean nurturing a group, firm,
polity, field of artistic or scientific endeavor, or other construct. The same is true of protecting, providing,
and teaching. In our infancy as a
species these meant protecting the family or clan from wild beasts, Mother
Nature, or human competitors; providing food and shelter; and teaching children
to fulfill each of these roles. In our
more developed state of civilization it can mean many things, including earning
a wage, navigating complex systems, or coaching and counseling.
We value ourselves and others for
our ability to fulfill these roles.
There are also several indicators of a person's ability to fulfill some
or all of these roles that are so identified with success that they can serve
as proxies for the aforementioned roles.
Most of us don't ask ourselves whether we, a potential mate or
collaborator, a potential leader or hero, or an opponent are, for example, good
creators or good nurturers. Instead, we
look at more concrete markers:
accomplishment or achievement; belonging to a certain group; education;
health, fitness, or athleticism; income; position, rank, or status; or even
spirituality or perceived spirituality.
These markers are proxies for the roles we described above, and we can
draw on them for our self-worth, just as we look to our roles for self-worth.
Finally, there are a few specific
traits so appealing, comforting, or identified with success that they too can
contribute to self-worth, among these are physical beauty, pursuing and
enjoying innate talents, humor, and intelligence.
Threats and minimization
Men and women can look to their
roles, proxies, and traits (RPTs) and find self-worth. But, there are threats to self-esteem that
can haunt a person even if they have plenty of the foregoing RPTs. First, obsession with inadequate RPTs in the
past can prevent a person from seeing their current state. A person might become so traumatized by a lag
in one or more RPTs that they are unable or unwilling to recognize new
circumstances when the lag is corrected.
They become stuck in the past.
Similarly, a person who is angry
at a real or perceived injustice in their life can be unable or unwilling to
evaluate his or her own RPTs in a way that provides self-worth. Saying that anger is the path to the dark
side is not just a fantastical line from the story of Anakin Skywalker, who
ultimately resorted to genocide, including slaughtering children with his own
hand. It is the story of Elliot Rodgers,
Timothy McVeigh, Adolph Hitler, and many others who obsessed on perceived
injustices that they blamed on others.
People with plenty of the positive
RPTs needed for self-esteem may become vulnerable to validation-seeking if they
succumb to threats or if they minimize their own RPTs. Why would they minimize their own RPTs? Habit, self-doubt, listening to negative talk
or negative self-talk, and the seductive allure of self-pity are common
reasons. Self-pity is attractive because
it blames others and rejects responsibility.
Rather than taking on the challenge of valuing yourself for your RPTs
and developing them through patience and hard work, self-pity dwells on the
threats and seeks an easier strategy.
Why do too many opt for suicide, drugs, sexual misconduct, or illegal
behavior? Because, it is easier than
methodically and patiently developing and appreciating the ingredients of
self-worth.
These healthy ingredients of
self-worth and the unhealthy pursuit of self-validation are equally applicable
to both genders. But, for many men,
societal or group traditions or other learned stereotypes add an extra element
to their view of self-worth. In these
circumstances men may inaccurately assess their self-worth by emphasizing
certain RPTs perceived to be traditionally masculine at the expense of other
RPTs that also comprise their identities.
For example, in television, literature, and history, we have often
treated the provider role as a male role.
But, providing for one's family is no longer a male-specific role. In some way or another, each gender must
strive to do it well and to take pride in it.
Physical prowess and athleticism
are no longer male-specific proxies.
Aside from professional athletes, the benefits of physical prowess --
health, mental well-being, recreation, and self-esteem -- are no longer
gender-specific and are not top-tier concerns for survival of our families or
our species.
There are lots of good reasons to
take pride in providing for our families and for athleticism. But, if a man focuses on these roles and
proxies at the expense of others, his view of himself will become distorted, especially
if he views these things as gender-specific in a world where they are often
not. So, what's left that is
male-specific and of objective value to our families or our societies? All of the RPTs we seek are gender-neutral in
modern society. So, what makes a man a
man? What makes a man value
himself?
The only difference in the most
progressive parts of society is that a man's body is different, as are,
therefore, his approach to his own physical appearance, health, sexuality, and
athleticism. Once we accept that and develop a
healthy strategy for it, the quest for self-worth is gender-neutral.
So, what's the solution to seeking
validation? The solution is recognizing
the benefits of developing self-worth and the probability that validation
seeking will ultimately hurt yourself and innocent people, including those you
hold most dear. It is recognizing that
in a society, family, or nation, no individual has the right to seek validation
and everyone has the responsibility to develop self-worth.
The self-validation myth
There are several ways people,
usually men, pursue self-validation when they minimize their self-worth or
succumb to threats to their self-worth.
Some seek validation through
violence. For example, community college
student Elliot Rogers went on a killing spree in 2014, immediately after
releasing a lengthy manifesto displaying his anger at women, who he blamed for
his low sense of self-worth. Rogers
revealed his desire for sexual conquest as a means of self-validation. Frustrated and impatient at his failure, he
turned to violence as his alternative means of self-validation. The power to control others by inflicting
pain, suffering, or death on them is a simple and accessible antidote to the
powerlessness one feels in the absence of self-worth.
Elliot Rogers was doing fine in
relation to Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs; his physical needs were easily
met by his affluent parents. And, his parents
appeared to have loved him. Yet, Rogers
found too little self-worth from his RPTs.
He also succumbed to threats to self-worth, namely obsession with his
perceived injustice. For reasons largely
of his own making, he dwelled on what he viewed as his general failure in
relations with the opposite sex.
Others seek self-validation
through drugs, hoping the drug will make them feel better about life and about not
having a strong enough sense of self-worth to resist its allure. And, yes, alcohol and tobacco are drugs, just
as much as cocaine and marijuana are.
The validation seeker may not only want the physiological effects of a
potent drug. He or she may also be
seeking validation through an image associated with a particular manner of
using drugs. For example, this is one
reason some men chew tobacco. It's not
for the taste or even its physiological effect for some. Rather, it is because of its association with
masculinity, prowess at sports, cowboy culture, or the like. Similar associations can be drawn by
validation seekers in relation to cigarettes, booze, or other drugs.
Award-winning actor Phillip
Seymour Hoffman, who died of a heroin overdose this year, is an example of
seeking validation through drugs. He
seems a much less likely candidate for seeking self-validation. He clearly excelled in roles we have
discussed such as creating and providing.
He did well in terms of proxies, including accomplishment and wealth. And, he seemed to be doing something --
acting -- that he enjoyed, a trait that could add self-worth. But, he struggled with depression, often the
result of minimizing one's own roles, proxies, and traits. In short, he dwelled on the negative. He saw his beautiful glass as half full. Perhaps he originally tried heroin to
exercise control in a life where his felt little control and little
self-worth. It then, of course,
ultimately overcame him with its physiological effects.
Examples of men who seek
self-validation through sex are abundant.
Bill Cosby, Bill Clinton, and Tiger Woods are just a few who leap to
mind. Yes, this can affect women
too. But, for whatever reason, we more
often encounter cases of men who continue this self-destructive behavior even
into marriage. Like violence or drug
use, this form of self-validation seeking is found among both rich and poor,
including among people with apparently abundant positive RPTs. It most often results from a low sense of
self-worth stemming from anger, dwelling in the past, or minimizing one's
positive RPTs. And, it may show up in
men who appear to otherwise have plenty of confidence or objective reason for
self-worth.
Why do people, most often men,
join gangs? Many of these men are
coerced to do so or do so seeking basic elements of Maslow's hierarchy such as
safety or money. Others do not see
positive RPTs when they look at themselves.
Belonging to a gang is an accessible means of validation-seeking in many
fragile parts of society.
Men somewhat further along on the
hierarchy of needs may join other groups instead. Examples include fraternities or sports
teams. These can be very positive
influences on a young man if they are led and supervised adequately. Some are not led and supervised
adequately. Results can include rape,
abuse, hazing, and harassment. Men seeking
validation can hide in these environments -- hide from accountability and hide
from healthier, alternative means of developing self-worth.
Violent extremist groups such as
ISIS, the KKK, neo-nazis, and others do more than just hide their members from
accountability and from healthy self-worth.
Like gangs and dysfunctional clubs or teams, they prey on
validation-seeking individuals for their recruiting. Look at the social media campaigns ISIS uses
to lure new fighters. They appeal
directly to a man's limited sense of self-worth, promising him a feeling of
pride and potency to replace his sense of shame and impotence.
A young Muslim-American may feel
socially isolated, even when surrounded by friends, colleagues, and
acquaintances. He may feel ashamed of
being different from his majority neighbors.
He may feel helpless in the face of insults, curious looks or questions,
or even kindness or indifference that he perceives as fake or condescending. This contributes to anger. ISIS offers these men an outlet for their
anger, an explanation for their feelings, and a promise of validation. With this message, ISIS and similar groups
successfully recruit among both rich and poor, educated and ignorant, loved and
alone.
The constant theme in each of these
examples is that the quest for self-validation harms people: family, mates, groups, strangers, and even
the individual himself. The other common thread is that seeking self-validation
is futile, like trying to quench your thirst with seawater. It not only fails to meet your demands, it
increases the need. It is chasing a
rainbow or hunting a unicorn. It is a highly addictive narcotic, much like
gambling addiction. The subject often
even consciously recognizes the futility of his behavior, but continues to
compulsively pursue it.
The solution? Know the risks. Every one of us should honestly evaluate our
own roles, proxies, and traits. We
should avoid threats to self-worth:
minimizing the positive, dwelling on past failings, and harboring anger about
real or perceived injustices. We must
remember we have no right to anger and living in the past and that we have a
responsibility to view ourselves and the world with objectivity and optimism.
Men, in particular, should
remember that roles, proxies, and traits traditionally viewed as masculine are
often gender-neutral and that they should value themselves for gender neutral
reasons. In the bedroom or the gym, they
should enjoy their uniquely male approaches.
But, they should not fail to value the uniquely feminine approaches of
their mates, sisters, and friends.
As a society we may need to
recognize that the development of self-esteem is just as critical to our
individual and societal health as our struggles against obesity, cancer, and
poverty. Much of the violence and abuse
in our society, including self-inflicted violence and abuse, comes from men
seeking self-esteem. Let's spend at
least a little effort seeking ways to help them learn how to build their self-worth
and learn the dangers of using validation-seeking behaviors to build a false
sense of self.
